To the Trife Motherfuckers at Stonyfield Farms

April 26, 2011

You motherfuckers think you’re pretty clever, don’t you? Well let me tell you: I am un-fucking-impressed. Let me explain: I buy your whole milk vanilla yogurt for one reason and one reason only – the thick, unpasteurized layer of cream that comes on the top. It is one of the few unadulterated benefits of being my family’s principal grocery shopper that when I get home and put everything in the fridge, I take a moment to grab a tablespoon, open the yogurt tub, and skim off that delicious, fatty cream top. I have always loved creamy shit, and as society has gotten more health-conscious, I get fewer and fewer opportunities to indulge in the simple pleasure of creamy things. So I have always loved your yogurt.

And now you’ve gone and gotten rid of it. What the fuck? Do you think I care about your three-generations-of-family-farmers shtick or your sustainable practices or the fact that all the goddamn dairy cows get pedicures or whatever? I do not care. Without the cream top, you are no different than Dannon, Breyers, or the store brand. Basically, without the cream top, you’re worthless.

Now, I can understand that I am in the minority. Every day, I meet people who go on and on about “Oh, I can’t even drink two percent milk, that’s too rich,” and so forth. Of course, I mostly just want to smack them and say, “Toughen the fuck up, you damn wimps! I drink half and half, for chrissakes,” but I don’t, and I know that the tide is against me, so maybe it was a good marketing move for you to scrap the cream top. Fine. That’s business.

But you know what’s not business? You know what is unmitigated bullshit? This: if you have a brand that is basically known for one thing – the cream top – and you decide to get rid of that thing, your packages should have a banner on them saying, “NO MORE CREAM TOP!!!” I mean, you made the switch, so own it, right? Right. But you motherfuckers went and did the opposite:

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“Tastes creamier”?! Are you fucking kidding me? It is emphatically less creamy AND AS A RESULT IT TASTES LESS CREAMY. Just looking at that little emblem, I would suppose you added more cream to the cream top, not took it away entirely! Even when the world was subjected to the debacle of new Coke, we didn’t have to have our intelligence insulted with a banner on every can that read, “Now Exactly The Same!” Creamier! Come on.

Fuck you, Stonyfield Farms. Just … fuck you.

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2 Responses to “To the Trife Motherfuckers at Stonyfield Farms”

  1. One of the things I’ve always admired about you, El Prez, is your ability to–whatever the insult, whatever the injury–stand up and be polite, understanding, see things from the other person’s (or corporation’s) point of view.

    That is why you’re not just “prez,” but El Prez!

  2. Brett said

    Hahahaha this is hilarious. I drink half-and-half too! Just kidding – kind of.

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