Concerning Football, and Puns

April 24, 2010

I like football, but now is not the time of year when I usually think about it, because, while I like football, I LOVE baseball, and this is Spring. However, football has lately been in the news because the NFL draft was held in New York a few days ago. I don’t pay much attention to the draft, because it is boring and I am too busy thinking about baseball – I figure I can read about it in the papers, then wait until Fall to think about football seriously. But there are people who not only think about the draft, they watch it on television or, stranger still, go to New York to watch it happen live. This seems like a consummate waste of time: while there is some element of surprise in a sports draft, it is not the kind of surprise that is exciting to watch, like going for it on fourth and four at the other team’s twenty, say. It’s more like the surprise that might be generated by a quarterly corporate earnings statement, and I’m hoping that we’re not yet at the point, as a society, where the filing of financial documents is broadcast live on pay-per-view. I’m glad, though, that there are people who care enough to spend time watching or traveling to the draft. People who spend their time in such trivial endeavors must love their freedom very very dearly – more dearly than I do, I suppose – and I assume that if that freedom is ever threatened, they will be vigorous and militant in its defense.

Speaking of freedom, and football, the occurrence of the draft gave me a thought about our society’s evolving standards of what constitutes and acceptable exercise of personal freedom. I was thinking that someday, instead of having a handful of professional athletes who admit that they are gay well after they are retired (god bless you, Glenn Burke!), we will have gay players in all the leagues and no one will care at all. Eventually, then, the first intra-team, same-sex, committed relationship will come to light. My sincere hope is that it ends up being between a quarterback and a receiver, not for the crass jokes that might ensue, but because then we could, someday, hope for one of those NFL Films documentaries on grainy film, with the deep-voiced guy who can imbue a burp by Mike Ditka’s uncle with heroism and historical importance, all about the couple’s incredible on-field chemistry, with clip after clip of the sort we know and love: tight focus on the quarterback as he sidesteps first one, then another lineman, then lets off a crisp pass just as another defensive back slams into him from the side, and then he goes out of focus because we are following the ball, spinning in slow motion while players clash and scramble pointlessly below, and then two men enter the frame, one a few strides back and in pursuit, and the leader, the receiver, jumps, extends his gloved hands, and plucks the pass from the air, then turns as he lands, perfectly avoiding the defender’s last-ditch tackle, and heads unencumbered to the endzone. And then, the deep-voiced guy says, “Over seven seasons, two men led the Green Bay Packers to six championships, five Super Bowl victories, and more passing yards than any other quarterback-receiver combination in the history of football. This is their story: THE THROWS OF PASSION.”

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2 Responses to “Concerning Football, and Puns”

  1. fatbo said

    That was an awfully long way to go for that punchline.

  2. Your mother's ex said

    Truly, fatbo, you don’t appreciate writing, just jokes.

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